There is a lot of discussion, controversy, and difference of opinion on the pronunciations of certain things in the line of work we happen to be in. Certain pronunciations are so complex that it isn't even a matter of people dividing into two camps. Some words or names have a unique pronunciation for every different person (or whatever) that tries to speak them out loud.

Thanks God.

SPONGE has always held the opinion that most things, no matter how benevolent they may seem, are better left unsaid, period. Of course, in the line of duty, it sometimes becomes necessary to start speaking the unspeakable, if for no other reason than to save one's own hide. Furthermore, ilk of alien origin will frequently only respond to your threats or advice when proferred in their own tongue. No Universal Translator worth a good gosh darn has even been developed.

It is with this in mind that I would like to disect the following "phrase":

Cthulhu phtagn

It is well documented in many sources that the above spelling was supplied from various (and sundry) sources that attempted to put to paper the unearthly sounds they heard (in dreams, ceremonies, or fraternity initiations). Most of the time, that phrase will appear in the midst of a longer, and even more preposterous jumble of consonants and apostrophes, but in the SPONGE library alone, "Cthulhu phtagn" appears 46 times in some form or another.

I won't bother delving into the meaning of "Cthulhu phtagn", which you either already know, or have strived to forget with varying degrees of success. I won't undo your hard work, or send you frantically through forbidden texts to contradict me.

It is the creation of those two "words" with the human mouth that I want to examine.

As mentioned above, nearly every source that mentions the phrase, indicates that it is written as closely as possible, based on the way it sounded to the chronicler. Therefore, all the clues to its pronunciation are readily available in the words themselves.

"Cthulhu"

While it was probably never intended to be spoken by human beings, the name "Cthulhu" can be pronounced fairly accurately with our vocal apparatus, provided we don't try to make it sound like anything that already exists in the human lexicon. The only point of controversy that can arise is whether the "th" is pronounced together, like in "them" or "with", or if the letters are pronounced separately. This has been a bone of contention in the academic and underground rave worlds for many years, but there are many literary sources that answer this debate (even the ridiculously edited Necronomicon that is sold in paperback form). Cthulhu has been known to appear as "Katooloo", "Ktulu", and variations thereof. This can only mean that the "t" and "h" are separate entities, each pronounced in its singular form. We also get to confirm the sound of the "c" (used like a "k", rather than "s" or "ch").

Subsequently, the remaining letters are also pronounced individually.

"Kit-hool-hoo" is a good starting point. But one should realize that the "Kit" portion should be squished together when spoken, else "Cthulhu" would more often be written as "Cithulhu". The trick is the try to say "kit" without lingering on the "i" for even a moment. Going back to the "C", one must ask oneself, if the "c" is pronounced as a "k", why isn't it written with a "k" more often? The reason is that it isn't a pure "k" pronunciation, but more of a throat-clearing. Imagine you're trying to dislodge some phlegm while saying "Cthulhu", and you will probably nail it cold.

"Phtagn"

When one hears a word before saying it, there is no reason to make assumptions of things like "the F sound would really be written as a PH". On the contrary, the "Ph" in Phtagn is pronounced like it is in "shepherd".

"Pa-hit-ag-in" is the starting point in pronouncing this word. But like the "Ct" in Cthulhu, the "Pa-hit" is also spoken with as little emphasis on the vowels as possible. And you mustn't skip over the "h". It's there for a reason: someone clearly heard it being said when it was spoken, and thus included it in the spelling.

There is some debate over whether the "a" is long like "bake", or short like "had". In my experience, this actually doesn't seem to make any difference. Those that know the meaning will understand it clearly when spoken aloud, and the variations on the "a" will sound like regional accents to them.

Now armed with a better grasp on how to say these words, I would like to stress that I don't recommend ever saying them, even in jest. The purpose of this essay is to give you an idea when someone else is correctly pronouncing these (and similar) words. You will immediately know a lot about such individuals, and should take the appropriate steps (refer to my article, "Three Things To Do").