Santa Claus: The Horrible Truth
By Frank West
The Santa Claus mythos... in the eyes of a child, they are tales of fantasy and wonderment. With the help of our families, friends, and of course, the media, we are all well acquainted with every detail of St. Nick and the North Pole. As we get older, we simply dismiss the stories as fairytales, retiring to the rigid viewpoint of a logical and learned adult. But perhaps we are too readily avoiding a phenomenon that demands more thorough examination.
Assume for a moment that Santa Claus actually did exist. In order for this to be possible, there are a number of other things that must be considered: How is it that one man can build enough toys for a planetful of children, cart all of them in a single sleigh, and deliver the entire lot in one evening (even taking time zones into account)?
Certainly this is the basis for disbelief. The laws of physics alone present a fairly airtight case. That is, if Santa is limited to the present level of human technology. Indeed, Santa and his merry band of elves would obviously have to be engineering geniuses with access to an astonishing supply of raw materials, and have developed technologies to combat the harmful effects of traveling in a sleigh that would have to be able to fly at least 650 miles per second. Unless of course, he were using alien technology.
Moreover, it is even likely that Santa and the elves are aliens themselves. This is easily supported by the question of how it is Santa has managed to survive for so long, especially in light of his apparent diet, and lack of exercise. The options are that it is really a group of Santas (as many mall workers would have you believe), or that St. Nick is not human at all. In all actuality, both options are likely to be true. The phenomenon we know as Santa Claus is really a cartel of aliens working from a hidden base at the North Pole, using technologies far beyond the scope of human understanding to spread toys to households all over the world.
We must then ask ourselves why they would want to do this... I further submit that these "toys" must warrant more careful scrutinization. Isn't it possible for us to assume that these are not really toys at all, but instead some form of sinister devices employed by these Santa aliens to observe, and quite possibly influence our society? What manner of agenda does an alien race have for planting objects disguised as toys in the homes of billions of earthlings? Could it be world domination?
How is it that Santa can tell who is naughty or nice, and what might that really imply? There has never been mention of Santa having psychic abilites. Nevertheless, he can keep track of the dispositions of millions of children. What if this really refers to the probability that the cartel is spying on all of us? Perhaps the words "you better watch out, you better not cry" hold a deeper meaning for those who care to seek it out. It's entirely conceivable that they are really part of a warning message passed from generation to generation, but the media has been attempting to supress its true meaning (obviously through the influence of the government, which doesn't want to create a panic at the notion of aliens plotting our domination).
Indeed, not even in an Orwellian society of government underhandedness is there as much to fear as this seething hotbed of subtle mindcontrol we know as Christmas. In all likelihood out very own governments have already been taken over.
And what better time to attempt this onslaught than during the holiest of holidays? There is no direct correlation between Christ and Santa, so why does he make the rounds on the day of Christ's birth? Jesus was visited by kings and given gifts, not by a jolly fat man with flying reindeer and elven slaves. And let us not forget the thinly veiled attempt at furthering this mockery by addressing Santa as St. Nicholas (as if he were actually somehow associated with Catholicism).
The Santa cartel must rely on focusing our attentions on the religious significance of the day and not the fact that a mysterious stranger will be visiting our homes while we sleep to deliver goods of questionable origin. They also rely on the fact that as adults we are pressured by society to dismiss all of this as a child's fantasy. For if you were visited in the dead of night, and awoke to a home full of toys (much to your children's delight), would you report it?
Feuling this fantasy are the following correlations:
- The aliens described by Whitley Striber (author of Communion, and alleged alien abductee), as well as countless others could quite easily be described as elves.
- The 5 note theme from Close Encounters can be found in the middle of the song I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
- Who can deny that Rudolph's nose doesn't resemble E.T.'s glowing finger?
- The expression "XMAS" is actually an acronym for "Alien Mind Altering Syndrome" where the X is borrowed from the Air Force's Project Blue Book code for phenomena of a suspected alien origin (hence the title of the show X-Files). The pathetic ruse of trying to convince the public that Xmas was merely a truncated form of "Christmas" only serves to demonstrate that somehow our own government is either in cahoots with the Santa cartel, or under their control. No God-fearing human would ever try to replace the name of the son of God with an "X".
- Christmas cookies, while delicious, are not very popular during the rest of the year. This is undoubtedly because the aliens require some portion of the ingredients to sustain them throughout the year (drawing upon the myth of leaving cookies out for Santa). Or perhaps the cookies act as a feul for the "Sleigh" craft they employ. As indicated earlier, this is technology beyond comprehension.
- "Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus lane" is a little known expression used by military radar operators to indicate air traffic in an unexpected area.
There is no urban lore or cultural mythology with a greater distribution than the legend of Santa Claus. His story is prevalent in nearly every corner in the globe. Even countries that do not partake in any form of the Christmas holiday, are still familiar with the practices and imagery. Who doesn't recognize the visage of jolly, old St. Nick?
No one has apparently ever seen this "person", or even if they claimed to, they would be as readily dismissed as UFO buffs (another coincidence?). The extent of conspiratory collusion between this heinous group and our own heirarchy of authority is unknown. It seems as though all of our parents and grandparents before them have succumbed to the subtle mind-control (taking on the role of Santa, furthering the deception with their own children, buying the ridiculous holiday merchandise year after year). It is up to us to break the cycle, and awaken from this hellish nightmare, before it is too late...
The truth is out there. Trust no one.
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