Three Things To Do
By Dr. Bustoffson

Situations of an occult or esoteric nature do not typically occur very often, at least for "normal" people, and when we find ourselves in them, there is a natural tendency to panic. We aren't prepared for these things, so our minds frantically search for the proper course of action. But how can our mind do this, especially in a timely manner? It can't. Therefore, I wanted to outline in simple terms three things that have worked for me over the years, and by now they are instinct.

One:
Run. It doesn't get any easier than that. Running does many things for you: It affords you time to really consider your actions more carefully. If you have time to think, you might be able to deal with the situation more succintly. You might even decide that running was really the only good option anyway. Running also has more immediate results. If you are in a situation where running is a good plan, then you've probably saved your own life (or at least prolonged it, hopefully long enough for reinforcements or other targets to arrive). In a less immediate way, running is simply a healthy thing to do anyway. We often spend far too much time sitting down in our investigations, and not enough time propelling our bodies around. If it weren't for Kilroy's Thursday night kickboxing class, I would probably be in terrible shape. For that reason alone, I try to seek out danger, just to have an excuse to run away.

Two:
Draw a circle on the ground or floor, and stand in it. Look confidant and defiant. This one's a two-parter, and each part is as vital as the other. Your circle can be drawn with anything; chalk, crayon, milk, a stick in the dirt, bodily fluids, whatever- but it must be a complete circle. Neatness counts too (if your circle looks more like an amoeba, you'll only end up summoning one). Your apparent self-assurance is just as important. If an assailant thinks you think you're safe, they might just buy into it. Frank West teaches a seminar on How Not To Sweat, and it comes in handy in this circumstance (if you've seen Total Recall, then you know what I'm talking about).

Three:
Chant. Nothing is as unnerving as someone chanting rapidly during a crisis situation. It makes everyone nervous (even people on your side, but let them deal with things in their own way). It doesn't matter what you say, but if possible try to mutter. When at a loss for words, I sometimes chant "watermelon, rhubarb", or "ma ma se, ma ma sa, ma ma coo sa". You will appear to be someone with alternative forms of defense, and that air of mystery may save you. On the other hand, it will get you shot by most anyone south of the Mason-Dixon line, so be warned.

Optional Fourth:
I wanted to keep things simple, and only have three items, but we do have gifted people in our Historian Network, so I throw this fourth item in as an option. If you tend to compartmentalize yourself into the rule of three, stop reading now.

Fall on the ground, shrieking. Grab your face, fling your body around, and scream out things like "The pain is excruciating!" or "The burning!" or "I will lick your fetid heels, Dark Lord!". This really throws off the source of your troubles, and makes him (it, or whatever) think that maybe you are already doomed, or being controlled by an associate, or perhaps a willing participant to oblivion. Again, this gives you time to really think, and maybe you'll be left alone long enough to quietly sneak away. Note that this tactic would never work on a shoggoth, zombie, or civil servant, so don't resort to it too often.

Return to Articles