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Full Name: Bernard Olaf Bustoffson
Date of Birth: June 6, 1966
Place of Birth: Our Lady of Questionable Origin Hospice in Arkham, MA
Degrees: BS, MS, and PhD in Hyperspace, Physics, and Parapsychology
Languages: Latin, Spanish, Greek, Hovitos
Favorite Food: Powdered donuts
Favorite Film: The Exorcist ("I laughed through the whole thing.")
Living Relatives: Sister, Bedelia Bustoffson; Cousin, Leslie Bustoffson; Cat, Rasputin
Hobbies: Oneiromancing, Sketching, Ballroom Dancing |
Barney was born in Arkham Massachusetts in 1966 and that was the last event that has gone smoothly ever since. As a child Barney was taught to have an open mind and to always seek the truth which of course alienated him from many of the other children in conservative old world Arkham. His parents, Howard and Cecelia mysteriously disappeared when Barney was 13, but rather then allow himself to be absorbed by the archaic child welfare system, Barney successfully faked their existence for the next seven years through a series of doctored photographs and artfully forged documents. By hiring homeless people to pose as his parents at various parent-teacher events at school, Barney learned a great deal about Arkham's seedy underbelly. His sister, Bedelia ran off the same year their parents disappeared, and became a carny. Things got worse for her from there.
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Barney lied on his application and enrolled in Miskatonic University at the age of 16. There he studied Advance Hyperspace Physics, Inter-Dimensional Anthropology and Spectral Home Economics from famed professor Lewis Derivatist who was killed in a bizarre muffin accident. The loss of yet another person in his life to suspicious circumstance drove Barney deeper into his quest for truth. This quest uncovered many suspicious elements and exposed Barney to the lessons of the Necronomicon, which was locked in a vault in the basement of the Miskatonic library. |
Graduation |
Barney and Howard Bustoffson, 1973 |
Late one night in his dorm room after several glasses of cheap wine coolers, and a whole box of powdered doughnuts, Barney performed a simple incantation from the Necronomicon "Just to see what would happen." What happened was a Lesser Servitor from the tenth migratory path of G'nar Uklieu manifested itself right in the middle of the dorm room floor (just as the book intimated). After a struggle which cost Barney the use of the last digit on the little finger of his left hand and most of the 3rd floor of Howard Hall, Barney was able to get the Servitor back into a large foot locker which he then sunk deep in the Miskatonic River. After this narrow escape, Barney dedicated himself to ridding the world of such horrors, the likes of which most mortal men would never witness.
After graduating from Miskatonic achieving a BS, MS and PhD in Hyperspace Physics and Parapsychology, all simultaneously, Barney began teaching at the university, partly as a career and partly to remain in close contact with the Necronomicon. Barney met Kilroy McDooley on his first trip abroad. Barney was taken with Kilroy's openness to paranoia and saw in him a version of himself, albeit a younger, shorter, red haired, heavier drinking, more Irish version of himself. |
Barney then met Matrin Taylor in his "Hooked on Miskatonics" class, which he created on a dare. Matrin was hard to miss, as he was the only student in the class. Now with two other minds from which to mine sanity Barney laid down the groundwork for an organization whose sole task was to save humanity from anything that by definition wasn't. SPONGE was born.
Barney's work with SPONGE has been a blood curdling, frightening, painful labor of love. He seems to take on a new case the way a normal man might slip on a pair of old comfortable sandals.
| His delight in this kind of work seems to come not from simple intellect but rather an overwhelming desire to solve some impossible riddle before his comprehension of the riddle dissolves. Maybe the very existence of SPONGE in his life fills the void of lost mentors and parents, or maybe it's just an excuse to drink heavily and shoot creepy stuff.
Barney lives at SPONGE HQ (currently Kilroy's grandmothers house) and works as a Professor at Miskatonic University. His personal life is almost non-existant as he can rarely remember appointments he's made that don't involve SPONGE related business. Barney has recently been seen spending time with Greta Biedermeier whom he met while working on a case. Barney denies there is anything between them other then a love of ballroom dancing and Pez.
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Barney and Greta Biedermeier |
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