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"Evolution"
By Matrin Taylor

I am not much a movie-goer, so I won't even attempt to critique the cinematic value of the new Ivan Reitman film. Rather, I will provide commentary on the tactical soundness of the characters' actions in the film.

  • A firefighting student witnesses the impact of an alien asteroid.

    The individual in question did not immediately flee the area, which he should have, since he was ill-equipped to deal with any form of menace. This was his first mistake. Not only should this person have run away, he should have checked into a secure medical facility to make sure he was clean.

  • Evolutionary anomalies are witnessed.

    Scientists observed strange advances in an alien evolution, and didn't immediately flee. Another gross mistake. When dealing with anything of an alien origin, you should be extra wary of any strange activity. It invariably means something horrible will happen. Additionally, you should be wary if nothing unusual happens. This too is generally a sign of something bad.

  • Scientists observe dying creatures in a ravine.

    Instead of running away at top speed they decide to get a closer look. Wrong, wrong, wrong! Naturally, one of the creatures turns out to be just fine and takes off in search of prey (which easily could have been these idiodic, unarmed scientists).

  • Monitors in a supposedly secure environment begin to short out, preventing any form of surveillance on a known hazardous location.

    They don't run away! Even when the elevator from the same environment is mysteriously activated, they hang around to see what is up. Foolish mortals.

  • Various encounters with alien lifeforms of undetermined hostility resulting in curious spectation.

    Madness.

  • The military uses a conservative amount of nepalm to eradicate the alien menace.

    Silly nonsense. When military might is required, conservative measures are not. Despite the fact that this form of combustible attack only proved to make the creatures stronger, excessive force is still the right way to go. The prudent thing to do is use a multiple-medium attack, relying just as heavily on unconventional weaponry (which they ultimately did).

    I can only conclude that the characters in Evolution were not at all acquainted with textbook alien encounter storylines. Have we learned nothing in the last 50 years?

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